Thoughts on being visible, 8 years on

Posted by: Sacha on: 15/11/2022

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At this time of year, my Facebook memories bombard me with photos of cool hair from years gone by. It’s fun. There are many photos of excellent hair colour, occasionally accompanied by some especially unusual styles and clipper designs, most of which probably ought not to be repeated. Every year, I acknowledge my ‘hairiversary’ and reflect back on the place I was at emotionally at the time, how it took me from natural to unnatural, and marvelling that the whole crazy idea wasn’t just a flash in the pan, but actually a new way of expressing my newfound – and thankfully ongoing – joy with the life I’ve been given.

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My initial switch from being invisible to becoming visible happened because of a number of things.

• Knowing who I was on the inside
• Being happy with who I was on the inside
• No longer needing to hide in conformity and try and be like everyone else.
• Being ready to step out of the shadows, and not worry about how others might perceive or judge me.
• Expressing joy in that new understanding of myself outwardly and unashamedly.

And then, as I became bolder with colour and style, and explored way beyond my comfort level, sometimes a new thing would happen. I would go further than I was actually happy with. Whilst I have absolutely adored some of the more fun options, there are a good number of ones where I would look at my reflection and think to myself, “OK, well that didn’t work. But hey, it’s only hair. I guess I can live with it till it grows out.” And I do.

Here’s a question, then.

Could choosing to be so visible ever possibly be an exercise in humility? 

(By asking this, I’m not suggesting that I myself am humble. Whilst I am noticing more when my behaviour is decidedly NOT humble, and actively working to change it, I still have a loooong way to go in that respect.) 

But because I am visible, could that fact change me and how I behave for the better? I honestly believe, especially in the early days when I was much more self-conscious, that it has made a positive difference. 

I wish I could say it meant my manners and general deportment had improved… On the other hand, people do notice me. And it has meant that I have felt more accountable for the words that come out of my mouth and the manner in which I conduct myself. 

Because, for quite a while, I was still very fragile in this new found joy and visibility thing. And I was terrified of being seen doing anything I couldn’t respect myself for in the future. Small but important things, like minding what you say when you’re in a bad mood. Like trying to be the best version of yourself. And I really hope those things stuck and that I am still mostly the best version of myself. (No, it’s never going to be 100% true, as those who know me well will attest to, but it’s at least more true than it was. The version of me before then was much less lovely, because of all the baggage I hadn’t yet dealt with and didn’t know how to.)

Here is my little timeline of how it went for me, bit by bit:

1. I am not humble. I have new found confidence and I am still continuing to explore who I am in many ways.
2. I still have a massive need to prove myself in all the standard ways we measure success in our society.
3. I have renewed faith and am also trying to be a better Christian on the outside…but I’m not doing the inner work needed.
4. I have no idea how to do the inner work, but humility is important to me and I kid myself I already am getting there. I do at least try. I don’t know about the ADHD related challenges yet, but they’re there.
5. I am visible, so a fair people notice the big need to prove myself, and very occasionally comment on it
6. I react with huge upset and outrage and utter denial. HOW could they even think that of me?
7. Subconsciously, though, I know it is true, and even months and years later, I am still mortified (and still in denial) that anyone even could have such a misconception of my motives.
8. Life moves on. Bigger things that matter more take priority. They have to.
9. My own focus on conventional society’s take on success changes. I start to see first-hand, what I’m already aware of second-hand through my kids: that it’s an artificial construct that can only bring unhappiness. My attention shifts away from that and toward individual pockets of joy, beauty, concepts and kindnesses.
10. I find my relationships change as I become so much more relaxed. My kids actually start to talk to me properly, even the ones with massive problems.
11. My own internal monologue – finally – starts to focus less on me and more on God. Prayer life goes up another notch.
12. I start to see things differently, but also start to identify moments where being more visible has been the very reason that I’ve been in a position to assist others, significantly helping their trajectory in life
13. I start to recognise a pattern in where I’m placed to help people, whether or not I’m humble, and spot the bigger picture.
14. And yet I still have plenty of subconscious voices trying to call me back to frame life around typical societal expectations, and I still have natural tendencies to be grumpy and moan about stuff, especially when I’m tired, which is often.
15. Repeat again from point 5 and keep going till humility actually becomes a thing.

I think I’m currently first time consciously round this little cycle around point 14…but I wonder if I’ve been round more often than that subconsciously. All I know is I’m starting to get it, but I have a very long way to go indeed.

Funnily enough, I nearly didn’t include God in this post, with a view to not scaring off people who find that side of things uncomfortable…but it would have been only a half story. And since that journey started around the same time, and has taken up far more of my attention in recent years than an hour or so in the bathroom every few weeks, here we are.

Visibility. Hm. More to it than meets the eye, perhaps.

Tags: hair