braindribbles

Posts Tagged ‘love

Oops. Been a VERY long time since I blogged properly.  I must learn to stop making promises I’m too busy to keep. Sorry.

Anyway, I’m typing on an old laptop with a new keyboard that’s improved things from some-keys-don’t-work-at-all-since-smallest-one-picked-them-all-off …to works-OK-if-you’re-prepared-to-type-as-if-your-fingers-were-tiny-sledgehammers.  My desk now looks out of our living room window and the kids, some of whom came home from school in a really bad mood, have turned the volume up on the stereo and are bouncing round behind me.

I felt inspired to reach for my inner poet today, what with my loved one being, well, just lovely. Life goes on at such a fast pace that sometimes it takes me a while to stop, reflect and realise just how wonderful he is to me.  So I wrote a poem in advance of our weddng anniversary.  Thought I’d share it with you.  Some of you will recognise the references…and if you want to ask more the comments section is open!

(Feeling quietly proud of achieving a proper Iambic Heptameter too.*)

 

Another spring comes round again;

We’ve reached that time of year

When daffodils and crocuses

And blossomed trees are here.

From this I know that very soon

For one sweet day and night

I get to have you to myself:

A rare but fine delight. 

 

I bless the day I realised

That you were meant for me,

I must admit, I was amazed

That you seemed to agree!

From broken ankles, moving in,

Eclipses, trips and more

I bear two moments dearest

When I knew our love was sure.

 

The first was back in Central Park –

You sprang a ring on me.

I was relieved you listened

And stayed off the bended knee.

The glistening snow, the words you spoke

Were such a huge surprise

I really couldn’t stop the tears

That trickled from my eyes. 

 

The second time, our wedding day

I knew our love was strong

But when we spoke the vows we gave

I realised I’d been wrong.

I knew right then that what we had

Was so much more than love.

The feelings that we had that day

Had reached a plane above.

 

Today we’re twelve years further on

And one thing I have learned

My love is sometimes buried deep

Which risks you feeling spurned.

So let me now articulate

Those feelings deep inside.

I love you more than life itself

I cannot stem the tide.

 

The flow of love I have for you

Is matched by you alone.

Through times when we are struggling

Or kept away from home.

Each year I love you more and more; 

I take my strength from you.

It’s you that makes my life complete:

I love you through and through.

 

Image

Here’s a little photo of Loved One. Just in case you were wondering what he looks like.  

Thanks for reading! Till the next time…

 

 

 

 

 

 

____

*yes, I did have to look that up. 

Advertisements

Hi folks.

These last couple of weeks I’ve been doing something I don’t seem to have been managing much recently. It’s the Easter holidays, and I’ve been enjoying spending time with the children.

And I mean properly enjoying them.

20120410-220639.jpg

If you see what I mean.

Now, I love those kids, and I, even recently, regularly have little moments of heart-glow several times a day, especially as smallest one has been doing so many new cute things recently. In spite of my numerous low moments recently. But what I haven’t been doing is engaging with them on any level other than making sure they go to school clothed and fed and making sure they go to bed fed and teeth brushed. I haven’t had any room to enjoy them. Not emotionally.

Instead, I have been shutting myself off. Unable to handle any more than the bare minimum, I have been using the iPad loved one gave me last year. I have hidden myself away and frittered huge quantities of time finding an unsatisfying numbness in pointless games. Games that don’t need anything from me but my eyes, fingers and reactions.

But now we are on holiday. In a cottage in North Wales. Lovely. Rainy. Lots of green with lots of sheep. Waking up to the sound of bleating. Simply fabulous. And most importantly of all, all five of us are here. For two weeks.

Two weeks! I may have mentioned this last post, it’s such a rare event. And I have been given a chance to stop worrying about the daily grind, thanks to a lot of input from loved one. We have slept lots, been out in the fresh air lots (and in the rain a lot too, of course). And, whilst my now-rather-difficult-to-break habit of retreating into my games has some way to go, at least I have felt alive. And more to the point, able to cope.

And the kids have been WONDERFUL. Extra cuddles from the lot of them. Extra jokes cracked by oldest one. Extra pictures drawn for me by middle one and heaps of new words and actions from smallest one.

Or maybe it’s not extras. Maybe it’s just their wonderful normal selves, and I am only just noticing.

Gotta try and savour that once the holiday is over…

Was it really my very last post that I promised to blog regularly enough for you to read some wittiness every Monday? Was it really in January that I said that? I also promised it would mostly be rhyme. Well, nothing rhymes very well with itself…but I can’t imagine anyone would be convinced by that poor excuse.

So, if you still believe anything I say, read on and I will catch you up.

I have managed to spend the last few months looking outwardly cheerful. Coping with the new situation…move, schools, completing my diploma. Outwardly…all seems fine. We are managing.

Loved one and I know, though, that the underlying reality, whilst nothing particularly terrible is happening, is that I have been pretty depressed throughout.

There is nothing in particular to put my finger on. Everything is kind of OK – children are still as adorable as ever; loved one has had the work piled high but has somehow managed to remain as doting as ever; school problems are a logistical nightmare but an amazing neighbour has helped immensely to make sure nobody is sat outside the school office for half an hour every afternoon waiting for me to get there; we fixed a whole heap of problems with the new house and we are planning our 10th anniversary holiday quite soon.

In a way, it’s really helped me to understand how inexplicable it can be. Going from being OK to being far from OK with no good reason. None at all that I can think of. It just goes to show that it can be a hair-trigger that takes you from one state to the next. You think you’re having a bad week, and that it will be fine again once you catch up on sleep, or get a bit of fresh air. Those things help and stop things from being utterly unbearable, but the bad week turns into a bad month, turns into a bad winter, and so on.

That’s kind of why I didn’t blog for a while. I couldn’t sum up the cheerfulness; it was all used up on the kids and the smiles I was thankfully still able to give to neighbours and passers-by. Even now I feel a bit mean inflicting a non-cheerful post on you all.

But then I realised that if I couldn’t at least try to articulate how I felt in my blog, my pouring out of little secrets about myself, my ‘dear diary’ place to go whenever I needed to think something through, then that would be worse. After all, if it’s the kind of thing you don’t like to read, you can quietly close the page and I won’t know any different.

So, this time, I am not going to make any promises. Furthermore, I am officially taking back any promises I made from regularity to poetry. When I can, I will do those things. I still like blogging. I still love writing in rhyme. I still like to be cheerful! I just need to know in my own mind that I can use the blog as therapy from time to time. And I know you will understand.

I also have a few positive things to mention.

Firstly, I feel like the trough of depression is now behind me. I am still climbing up the steep hill to fully fledged happiness, but the moments of misery are considerably less frequent.

Secondly, I am getting fitter! Walking 6 to 8 miles a day twice a week (yes, the outcome of our school shenanigans) is great.

Thirdly, in spite of the new house throwing up a fair number of urgent problems, we love it, and even more we love our new neighbours who couldn’t be more adorable if they tried. I know every single person in our road and met them all within a month of moving in.

Fourthly, I have joined a choir at last and sing every Friday evening.

Fifthly, I have submitted my diploma portfolio! Five years of study is coming to a close and once it comes back from its final marking, I shall be a fully fledged antenatal teacher. I can’t wait.

Sixthly, the kids are thriving in their new schools and have had glowing feedback from their class teachers.

And finally, loved one and I have just celebrated our tenth anniversary. I love him so, so much. Even more than ever for helping me through this tough time. In the words from the excellent Moulin Rouge (let’s hope I misquote correctly), the greatest thing I’ve ever learned is to love and be loved in return.

Thanks for bearing with me folks. The razzmatazz will return before too long!

I have just had the pleasure of eating a truly delicious meal at the Hind’s Head in Bray.

Raw venison carpaccio? Exquisite. Pork belly with butternut squash, spinach and white pudding? Heavenly. Even the cheese was incredible.

What made it the perfect evening, though, was spending it with my most loved one.

We don’t get many opportunities to simply enjoy one another’s company, so on this anniversary celebration it was a rare and joyful treat to be able to relax in each other’s company.

Conversation invariably included discussions about the latest house we’d seen, but also the wonders of the universe, silly riddles and the latest development in loved one’s job.

Good food, good conversation, good company. A perfect evening.

I feel privileged. And loved.

That Plinky prompt that nudged me into writing my last blog got me thinking.

Good relationships stand the test of time, I said in reply to a comment.

Well, luckily for me that’s certainly the case.  You learn to grow and give with the relationship, and as long as the balance of give and take is mostly level, it makes for a very strong bond.  I’m doing better at the growing and giving.  Though I have my moments (usually around the same time each month) of growling and grumping, I’m vastly ahead of how I used to be.

And I have my wonderful husband to thank for that.  A rare quality in a man (well, certainly in the ones I’ve had relationships with), he has a way of helping you be a better person without making you feel bad that you weren’t better in the first place.

If that makes even the slightest bit of sense.

The most testing times of our relationship have been when life in general has been difficult.  I see other couples who seem happy together, in very different ways.  I sometimes wonder if they are this happy all the time, or, like me, they have the odd rough patch here and there.  You have to see a lot of a couple for them to drop the polite front.

Actually, one of the things I think that works in relationships is to try and maintain a certain level of civility.  I’d be interested to hear your opinions – let me know what you think.

And I shall leave you with my favourite quote about love, which I first heard in the movie Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away.

Oh yes. And it’s better.

unconditional love ~

What's love anyway?

I love my husband very much. I love my kids very much, but that's very different. I thought I loved my last boyfriend, but now I'm not so sure. I thought I loved the boyfriend before that, but I'm even less sure about that. I love my mum and dad, but they're really hard work and I find it hard to love them. I love my two cats, and my brother. I love my in-laws! I love my closest friends.

You see where I'm going with this?

Love, to me, is a strong, positive emotion that you feel about certain people/animals. It's unconditional, it makes you happy. Hard enough to define the boundary between 'like' and 'love', so why quantify it? Wonderful stuff. They should bottle it and sell it in the happy shop. Then everyone can get some.

Powered by Plinky