braindribbles

Health warning: serious post below.

Posted on: 25/03/2012

Was it really my very last post that I promised to blog regularly enough for you to read some wittiness every Monday? Was it really in January that I said that? I also promised it would mostly be rhyme. Well, nothing rhymes very well with itself…but I can’t imagine anyone would be convinced by that poor excuse.

So, if you still believe anything I say, read on and I will catch you up.

I have managed to spend the last few months looking outwardly cheerful. Coping with the new situation…move, schools, completing my diploma. Outwardly…all seems fine. We are managing.

Loved one and I know, though, that the underlying reality, whilst nothing particularly terrible is happening, is that I have been pretty depressed throughout.

There is nothing in particular to put my finger on. Everything is kind of OK – children are still as adorable as ever; loved one has had the work piled high but has somehow managed to remain as doting as ever; school problems are a logistical nightmare but an amazing neighbour has helped immensely to make sure nobody is sat outside the school office for half an hour every afternoon waiting for me to get there; we fixed a whole heap of problems with the new house and we are planning our 10th anniversary holiday quite soon.

In a way, it’s really helped me to understand how inexplicable it can be. Going from being OK to being far from OK with no good reason. None at all that I can think of. It just goes to show that it can be a hair-trigger that takes you from one state to the next. You think you’re having a bad week, and that it will be fine again once you catch up on sleep, or get a bit of fresh air. Those things help and stop things from being utterly unbearable, but the bad week turns into a bad month, turns into a bad winter, and so on.

That’s kind of why I didn’t blog for a while. I couldn’t sum up the cheerfulness; it was all used up on the kids and the smiles I was thankfully still able to give to neighbours and passers-by. Even now I feel a bit mean inflicting a non-cheerful post on you all.

But then I realised that if I couldn’t at least try to articulate how I felt in my blog, my pouring out of little secrets about myself, my ‘dear diary’ place to go whenever I needed to think something through, then that would be worse. After all, if it’s the kind of thing you don’t like to read, you can quietly close the page and I won’t know any different.

So, this time, I am not going to make any promises. Furthermore, I am officially taking back any promises I made from regularity to poetry. When I can, I will do those things. I still like blogging. I still love writing in rhyme. I still like to be cheerful! I just need to know in my own mind that I can use the blog as therapy from time to time. And I know you will understand.

I also have a few positive things to mention.

Firstly, I feel like the trough of depression is now behind me. I am still climbing up the steep hill to fully fledged happiness, but the moments of misery are considerably less frequent.

Secondly, I am getting fitter! Walking 6 to 8 miles a day twice a week (yes, the outcome of our school shenanigans) is great.

Thirdly, in spite of the new house throwing up a fair number of urgent problems, we love it, and even more we love our new neighbours who couldn’t be more adorable if they tried. I know every single person in our road and met them all within a month of moving in.

Fourthly, I have joined a choir at last and sing every Friday evening.

Fifthly, I have submitted my diploma portfolio! Five years of study is coming to a close and once it comes back from its final marking, I shall be a fully fledged antenatal teacher. I can’t wait.

Sixthly, the kids are thriving in their new schools and have had glowing feedback from their class teachers.

And finally, loved one and I have just celebrated our tenth anniversary. I love him so, so much. Even more than ever for helping me through this tough time. In the words from the excellent Moulin Rouge (let’s hope I misquote correctly), the greatest thing I’ve ever learned is to love and be loved in return.

Thanks for bearing with me folks. The razzmatazz will return before too long!

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3 Responses to "Health warning: serious post below."

Well done for writing about this. given all that has gone on over the past year or more it’s not really surprising and it sounds like you are on the way up now even if it’s a slow journey. The walking will be helping, so will the sunshine. Hang on in there, write lots and soon the world will be more colourful.

Thanks Tessa! It’s nice to know you and so many others still care, even from a distance… I am still a little shocked by the fact that how I have been feeling is everyday normality for a high proportion of the population, and count myself lucky it’s only now that I have fallen prey to it all, and hopefully only temporarily.

Take your time. We’ll still be here. xx

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