Jeans. How did they get so complicated?

Posted on: 12/02/2011

Suat Eman /

I used to have a regular style and size of jeans that I would buy, year in, year out, in varying shades of blue.

Then I had children, and that style didn’t work any more (we’ll not even go down the size route), so for the last seven years I’ve been trying, and failing, to find my new favourite jeans.  You’d think that in this day and age, I could find something up-to-date that still suits me.

Let’s take a look at what we have to work with here.

  • I’m shortish.  At five foot three and a half, I’m below average on the height thing.
  • I’m very curvy.  I have BIG hips and a pretty big bum. Oh, and my chest is pretty ample too.
  • I’m overweight.
  • I don’t wear heels.
  • I don’t generally wear boots either.

So let’s look at the types of jeans out there.


When I first heard about these, I thought, yay! I used to love wearing my man’s jeans (in the days when I still fitted into them); this is the perfect type for me.  Not too tight, not too ‘stylish’.

Not so.

Some blithering idiot made them low waist.

Unless you have no curves at all, low waist is just horrendous.  I bought some once. Twice actually, but the second time was inadvertent.  I spent my entire time trying to stop them from falling down and giving me that lovely builder’s bum that I’m sure everyone would love to see.


I don’t wear boots.

Even when I occasionally wear boots, bootcut doesn’t look that great.

Bootcut is essentially making your calf areas match your thigh area.  That’s not a good idea when your thighs are the size that would suit a scrum half competing in the Six Nations. (Yes, their thighs are all muscle, and mine are…not.)


See above.  The bit about being overweight.

Actually, skinny jeans could look quite good, if you get the size that skims the curvy bits, rather than clinging to them so tight you see every dimple of cellulite through the denim.  If I could find a pair like that, I might even dig out my boots and attempt to look trendy.

But then they always make them low waisted.


Wide Leg

Wide leg jeans.  I just bought some of these.  They were OK but for one crucial factor.

They assume you are six foot tall.

I swear, you cannot buy a pair that have an inside leg of less than 32 inches.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  And since my own inside leg is 30 inches – which is quite long for a short person like me – and I never wear heels, you can see the problem.

Yes, I could take them up, but I really hate sewing, and the iron-on hems wouldn’t cut the mustard with denim.   Also you get that nasty look at the bottom of your jeans that screams ‘this person is so short she’s had to hem her jeans’.   I got some Lands End ones once where they offered this service, and even professionally done it still looked so, so wrong.


I really like the idea of jeggings.  They look great on pretty much everyone who I’ve seen in them, even a friend of mine who’s a grandma (who looked particularly good in them).

The only problem is, unless you are a beanpole, you then have to wear tunic-style tops that cover your bum.  Partly to de-emphasise the bulges, but also to avoid the visible panty line issue.

I have tried wearing non-VPL underwear.  It does what it needs to do.  But it’s either in that microfibre fabric, which isn’t healthy in the long run, or it’s a thong, which has me de-wedging every 5 minutes.

I like tunic-style tops.  But again they were made for skinny people, and don’t look so good in the bigger sizes.  Soft billows are appealing on a slender frame.  On a curvaceous one, if you catch the wind right, you could sail across the ocean.

Also, no pockets.  I need pockets.  In the mobile phone culture we have today, I am surgically attached to mine. No pockets means I have to hold it.  Holding it means not picking up my baby.  See? I really need pockets.

Not Your Daughters Jeans

These sound wonderful.

I haven’t checked them out, though, not since seeing the price in a magazine.

Somewhere along the line they haven’t cottoned on that if you have a daughter, you probably don’t have much money left to spend one hundred and forty pounds on a pair of jeans.

I thought Gap jeans were expensive.  These are three times the price.


I’ll have to revisit the idea when I’m earning again…  After childcare, that’s about what I earn for teaching a course.

Better stop blogging and complete my qualification then.

New diploma?  New jeans!


3 Responses to "Jeans. How did they get so complicated?"

I can completely sympathise with you. Once I find a pair of jeans that fit, I generally never buy or look for anything else ever again. When you get to that point when they stop making them, life can be a living hell. Trying to buy a 30″ leg is difficult and for some reason the makers think everyone who wears jeans is a size zero with no bum or hips 😦

Yes, 30″ leg is almost impossible to find. And having a ‘relaxed fit’ to accommodate said bum and hips would appear to be asking for Grandma’s tapered light blue jeans from the 80s…

[…] even found a pair of jeggings that suited me and were natural waist and didn’t make my bum look too huge.  I […]

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